If you're reading this, chances are you're not one of the 6 people without a Twitter, Facebook or LinkedIn account. Of course, you could also be one of the 100 million or so people with all of these services (plus a regularly updated MySpace page) and belong to a group some people like to call "The virgins". But I find that unnecessarily racist.
In case you don't know what Twitter is, you've probably been living under a rock. Or having sex. I'm going to assume it's the former, being statistically more likely.
But for the purposes of this discussion, I'm going to assume you know what Twitter is, have an account on said service and think using words like Anthropomorphology in a sentence is about the coolest thing since Oscar Wilde.
I've been on Twitter for sometime now. I mostly see it as an extension of a traumatic period in my life that left me wanting a little more support than was offered by way of overdosing myself on Sprite; or tying up people in the basement and telling them jokes.
And by way of having been there, I've realized a few things. You may agree with some of these. You may want to blow me for the others. You may hate the spacepod that brought me safely to this planet for the remaining. Please remember that I hold veto rights to whichever option you may choose.
Now, the people on Twitter. I find it safe to summarily categorize them into the following on the basis of their most predominant characteristic.
Keep in mind that categories may easily overlap, and then call after a week calling it a mistake because they were drunk.
- The Pricey Fucks
You know these people from their inflated follower count and their Photoshopped DPs. While most people will simply wonder why someone who's discussing their morning transit and the color of their evening poo has roughly a bajillion people willing to listen, you'll take it a step further.
You will @ to everything they say. But they won't reply. You will retweet the bejeezus out of them. But they won't follow. You'll offer to show up to clean their garage. They'll tell you the city takes good care of the bridge under which they live.
- The Emo Bastards
I feel it is my utmost duty to remind these people of the following:
1. She/He didn't care.
2. You're so confused about who you are because you're gay.
3. I know there's a hole in your soul somewhere, but there are other orifices that need your attention too.
4. Most people have access to the Self help material you're plagiarizing off. And the remainder have access to HD porn.
- The Wise Asses
The people who dare ask you the eternal question… "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be consistently funny, harbor self-critical tendencies AND low self esteem all at once?" And in case your answer is "No", you're quite naturally expected to go back to tweeting about the song you're listening to. Because people really do give a fuck. No really. Have one. Yes, here's a good fuck.
You will be reviled if you fail to consider Favstar an alternate God/deity. You will be pricked with chopsticks if you're in the news for whatever reason. And may God have mercy on you should you ever become a trending topic.
And oh, Boobs is a funny word. You can't go wrong with boobs.
- The Bulbs
You know these virile gentlemen as the guys who ask for your pics. You company for coffee. And wonder out aloud how "Your so beautyful" (sic). ALSO THE HUMAN PSYCHE CONDITION HAS FORETOLD THE COMING OF THE… (crap) Writer's blok has happened.
- The Mutual Admiration Society
You mostly see these exalted members of #TeamFucktard and #TeamJackass on tweets detailing 34 people on a Friday. Fun Fun Fun Fun it is. And unless you're a. b. or d. above, you have to wonder how you're going to send across your firstborn so you can get into one of them tweets. No. I don't get your 18 consecutive Tamil/Bong/Punjabi/Mumbaiya/Australian/Uninhabited-Pacific-Atoll references or your frolicking with your friends on a mountaintop with koala bears and unicorn poop.
So that's it. And this had better get me some followers. You think I'm doing this for the science? Really?
There really are more people out there, I guess, but I sleep well not having met them yet. Also, Boobs!