It's really the only way...

Unrequited love. That’s when you love without reciprocation.
Everyone has at least once in their lifetime loved unrequitedly. It may have been that time your eyes repeatedly met hers from across that crowded room. Just before she ran to her Scottish boyfriend, Douchebag McVaddaPhone.
Or it may have been when that dude who was being so nice to you asked for advice on how to talk to your best friend and they had to spend all day extracting your pirated copy of Twilight: Breaking Dawn from his colon. By the way, you have weird taste.

If you're still in doubt, there are some other crude tests. These include the “How did I end on this Facebook page AGAIN?” number; the “Whoops, that message wasn’t for you” index and roughly the number of times you’ve come close to doing borderline inappropriate things to your stuffed toy collection.

It’s also possible you feel like asking rhetorical questions. For example:

• Conventional good looks is all it took? Are you blind to inner beauty or something?
• I’ve sacrificed a head of cabbage. HOW MUCH MORE, God?
• No seriously, do you know how much cabbage goes for?
• Maybe she would’ve understood after the 28th missed call?

But then, I stand by the idea that all great love is unfulfilled. More so considering fulfilled love lends itself to circumstances like deciding who’s going to watch the kids and “What? Paneer? Again?”
So celebrate the very real possibility that you’ll die alone. Or that you'll adopt cats and later find yourself hiding in foliage with binoculars; madly hoping that allergy to pepper spray doesn't come into play.

In either case, know this: You may love without tangible cause and hope of fulfillment. But in doing so, you become a martyr. You rise to the idea that you’re inherently better than those who told themselves “it didn’t matter”. You allow yourself hope where others have plummeted to despair.
Make no mistake, you're fighting for a cause. One that is greater than the safety of satisfaction with the present. One that allows you belief in something that will make the world better. And how many people who don’t have bombs strapped to their chests/are Batman get to claim that?

So don’t give up.
And if you do, there’s always Twitter. I will personally retweet all your emo stuff.

Taking over the world…

Unlike quite a few males my age who grew up watching "Kyunki" soaps (hereby referred to as the "emasculated"), I was weaned on Pinky and the Brain.

This left me with those warm fuzzy feelings and ambitions of world domination and the like. Unfulfilled, but insidious. Like constipation. Only higher.
Just the kind of thing you might want to discuss at a parent teacher meeting before melting the teacher with evil super lasers, btw. But I went to one of those schools not rich enough to afford an MMS caper and therefore, with erratic power supply.
Well, with erratic power supply, anyway.

Even so, I've given taking over the world a lot of thought. It's a relatively simply process if you can find the right underwater layer, slinky women in catsuits to hang at your arm and a really evil last name like Kalmadi.

So here goes… and remember, if someone manages to succeed using this, I want Finland.

1. Religion
   It helps if you're the only thing in range which can get someone to God. Promise 72 or so virgins and watch as your ratings soar. It helps to get a celebrity endorsement by way of a Messiah. I personally recommend Sofia Lauren. But she's an old hag now. Sigh.
   
   
2. The Death Star
   If you're one of the six people who don't know what this is, my condolences on having a real life. Real easy method too. Just blow up a planet or two. Just make sure you don't hire one of them cheapo contractors. They leave open vents everywhere.
   
   
3. Foundations
   Set two up at the opposite ends of the globe. Watch as millennia of anarchy is prevented when civilization falls because Sonam Kapoor learns to act. And as unlikely as that might seem, it pays to have a backup plan.
   
   
4. Monopoly
   Make something everyone wants and nobody has. And while you're at it, think beyond engineering the perfect woman, you sick perv. I had this idea in mind about something I'd call the iPhone. Apple beat me to it, and truth be told I just don't trust the future of the world in Steve Jobs' hands.
   
   
5. Global Viral Attack
   Last ditch effort. And keep in mind you'll probably be stopped by Captain Vyom. Or some other gay idiot in tights.
   

So there you go. World domination made real easy. I'm sure there are other ways. Ask George Dubya Bush. But I doubt you'll ever be the head of a nation as gullible. Much less this one. And we're all pretty intelligent people here in the 3^rd world.
Finally I raise a toast to the emasculated. Why? Because it didn't seem mocking bird enough to mention them just once. So there. In yer face, you sissy pussies.