Humanity’s Greatest…

Humanity is da shit™. Once we got off the trees, it was only a matter of time before we made our baboon ancestry's butts turn red with jealous rage. In fact, any monkey still up on the trees may officially consider his n00bish ass pwned, forever.

Speaking of which, I guess we should come up with a "wat does dis button do?" list of our greatest achievements. Something to tell the kids after the nukes wipe out 95% of the population and the rest turn to cannibal zombies.
And it goes without saying that any such list should totally have the following on it.

1. Chhole Bhature

   

   There can be only one. Maybe none.

   Are you friggin' kidding me? God made man, gave him the recipe to Chhole Bhature and then he made woman. Somebody had to do the cooking.
   You put an "order of increasing importance" test on this and lo behold, man is useless as usual and chhole bhature are a close second to the divine power of the woman with the frying pan. All hail the woman with the frying pan.
   
   
2. Internet Porn

   

   Truth is defense for libel.

   Gone are the dark days of waiting for your cable operator to find some VHS tape with the appropriate inappropriate behavior and broadcast it late at night. Billions of roubles have gone into making the internet so that geeks can finally relate to something in the range of vaguely feminine. And yes, it has been a resounding success.
   The only problem remains in inventing/discovering porn for women. I imagine it might have something to do with handsome men shopping at Central Market. All night long. Just the way they like it. Yeah.
   I should really write something about the many things I've learnt from porn soon.
   
   
3. Cable TV
   

   

   Doordarshan broadcast of 1998 Sharjah final. Sachin on strike.

   I remember the days when you had to have 3 people around to watch Doordarshan successfully. One to rotate the antenna, the second to see how the reception was changing on the TV and the third to relay the "Ho Gaya" chants between them.
   Cable TV, of course, changed all that. Instead of watching crap on just 2 TV channels, we now watched crap on about a 100. And then there were the added benefits of the Cable-walle-bhaiya's VHS tape collection.
   
   
4. The Mobile Phone
   She can now choose to ignore your calls from environments as varied as the jungles of South Najafgarh to the deserts of East Jaunpur. From her loo to the local zoo – and it doesn't even have to be different places. It doesn't matter where she is, she can always always ignore your calls. Now that's TECHNOLOGY.
   Of course, if you hear heavy breathing on the other end, please remember that the phone is a one handed device and consult (2) above.
   
   
5. Fashion
   

   

   If Duke Nukem were alive, he'd die and turn
   over in his grave.

   No other animal in the friggin' kingdom has to pay this much to look this ugly. And then it changes and the ugly people look uglier because the ugliest ugly people have decided that another kind of ugliness is the right kind of ugly for this season and the (ugh) "ugla" one.
   Of course, this advancement also includes modern economic theory and political theory, but you have to read between the lines, doofuck.
   
   

There we go. Human civilization in a nutshell. Enough of the education. Now go search for some porn.