When geeks attack...

Women like it romantic and the like. Apparently it causes their amygdales and limbic systems to cook their frontal cortices in pungent hormonal soup. Simple enough. However, it seems that throughout the course of history I've had to explain the propositions to women after I've made the propositions to said women. True stories:

Scenario 1
She has a four letter name. I convert that to ASCII (the capital), I convert those 8 digits to Binary, I convert that Binary to a 'how many ones and zeroes' number. I further convert that number to hex. This leaves me with 9B7623BBA8F5733E. And a very befuddled young woman who didn't talk to me for the rest of class. The lilac smelling page I wrote this on notwithstanding.

Scenario 2
She likes Shakespeare. Cleopatra to be specific. Or so I can derive from her facebook profile. So I send this to her:
"Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale;
Her infinite variety, other women cloy.
-Signed, Salad Days."

And while I understand this sounds like a glorified 'Wanna make frandship?' request, why do people lie about liking Shakespeare?
She hasn't replied yet. But I assume that's due to the vernacular of having called her an old woman.

Scenario 3
I walk up to a girl in the library. Simple enough. Sample the following conversation.

Me: I know you don't like me. But do you like me?
She: Huh?
Me: Stop being dumb. You understand what I mean.
She: How am I supposed to like you? As a friend, or...
Me: You're such a tubelight.
She: (desperately) Do you like Mahatma Gandhi? Here's a nice autobiography.
Me: I get the point (wench).

Scenario 4
I'm proud of this one. Doesn't reek of dysfunction. So I says to her, "You're a vision in red. Poetry has been written for much less." "Really?" "Yes."
Cue burly boyfriend with huge mobile phone. Burly boyfriend says hi. I wish someone would let loose rabid attack dogs. I'd point out that his phone is using ye olde Android 1.6, but I stop... there are women present, after all.

Sigh. Where are the sexy cryptologists and single language experts in LBD's? Life's not fair.

Humanity’s Greatest…

Humanity is da shit™. Once we got off the trees, it was only a matter of time before we made our baboon ancestry's butts turn red with jealous rage. In fact, any monkey still up on the trees may officially consider his n00bish ass pwned, forever.

Speaking of which, I guess we should come up with a "wat does dis button do?" list of our greatest achievements. Something to tell the kids after the nukes wipe out 95% of the population and the rest turn to cannibal zombies.
And it goes without saying that any such list should totally have the following on it.

1. Chhole Bhature

   

   There can be only one. Maybe none.

   Are you friggin' kidding me? God made man, gave him the recipe to Chhole Bhature and then he made woman. Somebody had to do the cooking.
   You put an "order of increasing importance" test on this and lo behold, man is useless as usual and chhole bhature are a close second to the divine power of the woman with the frying pan. All hail the woman with the frying pan.
   
   
2. Internet Porn

   

   Truth is defense for libel.

   Gone are the dark days of waiting for your cable operator to find some VHS tape with the appropriate inappropriate behavior and broadcast it late at night. Billions of roubles have gone into making the internet so that geeks can finally relate to something in the range of vaguely feminine. And yes, it has been a resounding success.
   The only problem remains in inventing/discovering porn for women. I imagine it might have something to do with handsome men shopping at Central Market. All night long. Just the way they like it. Yeah.
   I should really write something about the many things I've learnt from porn soon.
   
   
3. Cable TV
   

   

   Doordarshan broadcast of 1998 Sharjah final. Sachin on strike.

   I remember the days when you had to have 3 people around to watch Doordarshan successfully. One to rotate the antenna, the second to see how the reception was changing on the TV and the third to relay the "Ho Gaya" chants between them.
   Cable TV, of course, changed all that. Instead of watching crap on just 2 TV channels, we now watched crap on about a 100. And then there were the added benefits of the Cable-walle-bhaiya's VHS tape collection.
   
   
4. The Mobile Phone
   She can now choose to ignore your calls from environments as varied as the jungles of South Najafgarh to the deserts of East Jaunpur. From her loo to the local zoo – and it doesn't even have to be different places. It doesn't matter where she is, she can always always ignore your calls. Now that's TECHNOLOGY.
   Of course, if you hear heavy breathing on the other end, please remember that the phone is a one handed device and consult (2) above.
   
   
5. Fashion
   

   

   If Duke Nukem were alive, he'd die and turn
   over in his grave.

   No other animal in the friggin' kingdom has to pay this much to look this ugly. And then it changes and the ugly people look uglier because the ugliest ugly people have decided that another kind of ugliness is the right kind of ugly for this season and the (ugh) "ugla" one.
   Of course, this advancement also includes modern economic theory and political theory, but you have to read between the lines, doofuck.
   
   

There we go. Human civilization in a nutshell. Enough of the education. Now go search for some porn.

Gullible Jackasses…

We're a bunch of gullible jackasses; capable of unfailingly and unflinchingly believing anything at all. I could sit here all day giving you the logic behind such an alarmist line of thought; but that'd defeat the purpose.

So, here come the examples.

1. Feng Shui (Chinese for "overpaid carpenter")
   After years of intense analysis in focus groups comprising half of people with Feng shui approved homes and half of jungle dwelling cannibalistic populations, experts have concluded that:
   "The first group is generally happier, has a higher survival rate after divorce and does not contribute to the extinction of rhinos."
   Of course, your agreement will be more willing when you discover the ancient architect covenant about always incorporating Feng shui into restrooms everywhere. A little pressure on 'your end', and negative energies go bye bye.
   
   
2. If it's on TV…
   If you're on the wrong end of the 'Peepli live' spectrum (bloody brilliant movie btw), you're probably aware of the intense unyielding need to buy one each of a Nazar Suraksha Yantra®, a Shiv Shakti Kavach™ or a Shani Dev approved Doom-bhagao-wolfenstein-lao armour.
   I on the other hand am haughty enough to shake my head in disbelief that such commercials are made, let alone aired on a 24 hour marathon run when they just can't talk about "Naga baba mein ghusa bhoot". Bring back Naga Baba.
   Also, who in the history of FUCK dresses like that to cry in front of random relatives? Don't those females have work to do in the kitchen?
   
   
3. Cinema
   She's not that Savitri-type thingie. She may look like it with the adequate amount of makeup and the inadequate amount of saree, but she isn't. What she is, however, is a repository of sexually transmitted infection. Something you won't be getting off her. Not in a million years. Yes, I understand those may not be tears of happiness.
   Also, a revolver carries "6" bullets. We do not fuck with the law of conservation of mass-energy.
   
   
4. Don't look now…
   But you're too good for him/her. More so because he/she is probably cheating on you anyway. Possibly with the STD actress. And you're not getting any of that. Loser.
   You say your love is true? Read the title of the post. You're in the right place. And you're welcome. Send me interesting porn links.
   
   

There's just so much more to lampoon here. My only qualm is your Attention deficit disorder (compounded by my staunch refusal to use attractive images on this page). So I'm going to stop.
Jackass.