Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Bhaiyya... Palika Bazaar ka kitna?

You will excuse me if this comes across as coarse, crude or even unintelligible. As is usual caveman practice, I carved out the rough draft on a stone tablet with a blunt animal bone. And my fellow cave dwellers kept on distracting me with something about “fire”. New age nonsense.
So well, let’s set the record straight.
I’m a Delhi ‘Boy’. And I’m not a rapist. Or an oppressor of women. I can drive pretty well, and yes, I do appreciate my Rajma Chawal… preferably with sweetened curd. But I’m weird like that.
Whenever I talk to someone south of the Vindhyas (This is a stretch… I don’t even know where the damn mountains are on a map), I’m expected to conform to stuff “we people do in the North”. From what I’m given to understand, there’s apparently a large conspiracy afoot to find people ugly, make fun of their cultural/religious leanings and drive my SUV over people on pavements.
And you know, I resent this. Most of all because I can’t afford an SUV right now.

But I also resent this because I grew up with the idea of a consolidated, united India. For the most part, I took that “all Indians are my brothers and sisters” nonsense a little too seriously and ended up being pretty awkward whenever I was asked out for coffee. But that’s not the point.
I’ve never thought that the people of any part of this nation would behave any differently just because they were from that part of the nation. So to be labeled a “Pig” because I know a higher number of Vickys and Rockys than the national average is somewhat unfair.
Yes, I will grant you that Delhi per se doesn’t seem to have a stellar track record of safety as far as women are concerned… But assholes are assholes. Blaming “mindsets” might be the right way to go only insofar as you don’t start blaming entire geographical areas and start writing about it on your Stereotypewriters.
As far as oppression of women goes… is it bad? Yes. It’s pathetic and it takes a coward to make someone who loves you go through with something like that. But is it a sole patent pending trademark of us in the North? No. And just so you know, my ex oppressed me more than what is allowed by most UN charters. Most of my jokes these days are as a result of that trauma.
Be that as it may, would you at least pay heed to what little difference of preference that is “allowed”? I’m allowed to dislike South Indian food. Or North Indian food. Or those stupid Dhoklas those Gujjus keep churning out by the kiloton. (LOLJK, I would probably drive a 4 door sedan over people on pavements for a decent Masala Dosa).
Anyway, would any of this make me a racist? No.

Would judging someone based on the color of their skin make me one? Yes. Do I think Fairness cream advertisements (or demographic specific matrimony sites) display a stupid bias? Yes. But seriously, do I think this way (or not think this way) because I’m from Delhi? Nope. It’s common friggin’ sense.
So if I find a way to bring down the servers, it’s because I think it’s a fundamentally bad idea. And not because I want to facilitate the eventual invasion and takeover of the South by thinning down the population over there.
And yes, my English sucks. I can barely read or write. I forward a lot of text messages where “the” is abbreviated to “d”. Hell, most of my tweets are stolen Rajnikanth jokes. Again, I ask you, does this make me truly horrible as a person?
I’m sure there are plenty of rhetorical questions to be asked still, but as it stands, is ANYTHING grounds for thinking two people are the same?
Why would you paint me and my neighbours in the same brush? The Sharmas won’t hurt a fly. Neither would the Guptas or the Malhotras. But the Varmas three houses down are getting really irritating with their torture of small woodland mammals.
All racism is essentially a bad idea. As are most generalizations. As it stands, I’m getting progressively more tired of telling people that I am, in fact, a North Korean Jailor in an effort to get them to like me better. I wish you’d help me and my kin get rid of this habit. Adopt a Delhi-ite if you have to. But please remember, “My” culture, is in fact, “our” culture.

So… I repeat. I’m a Delhi Boy.
And I’m not any of those things you mentioned.
I do pirate the occasional 720p movie, but that’s about it.
P.s. I’m a vegetarian. Or I would’ve indeed mentioned Chicken in some form or the other. Modulate outrage as necessary.