Wednesday, September 8, 2010

When geeks attack...

Women like it romantic and the like. Apparently it causes their amygdales and limbic systems to cook their frontal cortices in pungent hormonal soup. Simple enough. However, it seems that throughout the course of history I've had to explain the propositions to women after I've made the propositions to said women. True stories:

Scenario 1
She has a four letter name. I convert that to ASCII (the capital), I convert those 8 digits to Binary, I convert that Binary to a 'how many ones and zeroes' number. I further convert that number to hex. This leaves me with 9B7623BBA8F5733E. And a very befuddled young woman who didn't talk to me for the rest of class. The lilac smelling page I wrote this on notwithstanding.

Scenario 2
She likes Shakespeare. Cleopatra to be specific. Or so I can derive from her facebook profile. So I send this to her:
"Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale;
Her infinite variety, other women cloy.
-Signed, Salad Days."

And while I understand this sounds like a glorified 'Wanna make frandship?' request, why do people lie about liking Shakespeare?
She hasn't replied yet. But I assume that's due to the vernacular of having called her an old woman.

Scenario 3
I walk up to a girl in the library. Simple enough. Sample the following conversation.

Me: I know you don't like me. But do you like me?
She: Huh?
Me: Stop being dumb. You understand what I mean.
She: How am I supposed to like you? As a friend, or...
Me: You're such a tubelight.
She: (desperately) Do you like Mahatma Gandhi? Here's a nice autobiography.
Me: I get the point (wench).

Scenario 4
I'm proud of this one. Doesn't reek of dysfunction. So I says to her, "You're a vision in red. Poetry has been written for much less." "Really?" "Yes."
Cue burly boyfriend with huge mobile phone. Burly boyfriend says hi. I wish someone would let loose rabid attack dogs. I'd point out that his phone is using ye olde Android 1.6, but I stop... there are women present, after all.

Sigh. Where are the sexy cryptologists and single language experts in LBD's? Life's not fair.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Humanity’s Greatest…

Humanity is da shit™. Once we got off the trees, it was only a matter of time before we made our baboon ancestry's butts turn red with jealous rage. In fact, any monkey still up on the trees may officially consider his n00bish ass pwned, forever.

Speaking of which, I guess we should come up with a "wat does dis button do?" list of our greatest achievements. Something to tell the kids after the nukes wipe out 95% of the population and the rest turn to cannibal zombies.
And it goes without saying that any such list should totally have the following on it.

  1. Chhole Bhature
    There can be only one. Maybe none.
    Are you friggin' kidding me? God made man, gave him the recipe to Chhole Bhature and then he made woman. Somebody had to do the cooking.
    You put an "order of increasing importance" test on this and lo behold, man is useless as usual and chhole bhature are a close second to the divine power of the woman with the frying pan. All hail the woman with the frying pan.

  2. Internet Porn
    Truth is defense for libel.
    Gone are the dark days of waiting for your cable operator to find some VHS tape with the appropriate inappropriate behavior and broadcast it late at night. Billions of roubles have gone into making the internet so that geeks can finally relate to something in the range of vaguely feminine. And yes, it has been a resounding success.
    The only problem remains in inventing/discovering porn for women. I imagine it might have something to do with handsome men shopping at Central Market. All night long. Just the way they like it. Yeah.
    I should really write something about the many things I've learnt from porn soon.

  3. Cable TV
    Doordarshan broadcast of 1998 Sharjah final. Sachin on strike.
    I remember the days when you had to have 3 people around to watch Doordarshan successfully. One to rotate the antenna, the second to see how the reception was changing on the TV and the third to relay the "Ho Gaya" chants between them.
    Cable TV, of course, changed all that. Instead of watching crap on just 2 TV channels, we now watched crap on about a 100. And then there were the added benefits of the Cable-walle-bhaiya's VHS tape collection.

  4. The Mobile Phone
    She can now choose to ignore your calls from environments as varied as the jungles of South Najafgarh to the deserts of East Jaunpur. From her loo to the local zoo – and it doesn't even have to be different places. It doesn't matter where she is, she can always always ignore your calls. Now that's TECHNOLOGY.
    Of course, if you hear heavy breathing on the other end, please remember that the phone is a one handed device and consult (2) above.

  5. Fashion
    If Duke Nukem were alive, he'd die and turn
    over in his grave.
    No other animal in the friggin' kingdom has to pay this much to look this ugly. And then it changes and the ugly people look uglier because the ugliest ugly people have decided that another kind of ugliness is the right kind of ugly for this season and the (ugh) "ugla" one.
    Of course, this advancement also includes modern economic theory and political theory, but you have to read between the lines, doofuck.

There we go. Human civilization in a nutshell. Enough of the education. Now go search for some porn.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Gullible Jackasses…

We're a bunch of gullible jackasses; capable of unfailingly and unflinchingly believing anything at all. I could sit here all day giving you the logic behind such an alarmist line of thought; but that'd defeat the purpose.

So, here come the examples.

  1. Feng Shui (Chinese for "overpaid carpenter")
    After years of intense analysis in focus groups comprising half of people with Feng shui approved homes and half of jungle dwelling cannibalistic populations, experts have concluded that:
    "The first group is generally happier, has a higher survival rate after divorce and does not contribute to the extinction of rhinos."
    Of course, your agreement will be more willing when you discover the ancient architect covenant about always incorporating Feng shui into restrooms everywhere. A little pressure on 'your end', and negative energies go bye bye.

  2. If it's on TV…
    If you're on the wrong end of the 'Peepli live' spectrum (bloody brilliant movie btw), you're probably aware of the intense unyielding need to buy one each of a Nazar Suraksha Yantra®, a Shiv Shakti Kavach™ or a Shani Dev approved Doom-bhagao-wolfenstein-lao armour.
    I on the other hand am haughty enough to shake my head in disbelief that such commercials are made, let alone aired on a 24 hour marathon run when they just can't talk about "Naga baba mein ghusa bhoot". Bring back Naga Baba.
    Also, who in the history of FUCK dresses like that to cry in front of random relatives? Don't those females have work to do in the kitchen?

  3. Cinema
    She's not that Savitri-type thingie. She may look like it with the adequate amount of makeup and the inadequate amount of saree, but she isn't. What she is, however, is a repository of sexually transmitted infection. Something you won't be getting off her. Not in a million years. Yes, I understand those may not be tears of happiness.
    Also, a revolver carries "6" bullets. We do not fuck with the law of conservation of mass-energy.

  4. Don't look now…
    But you're too good for him/her. More so because he/she is probably cheating on you anyway. Possibly with the STD actress. And you're not getting any of that. Loser.
    You say your love is true? Read the title of the post. You're in the right place. And you're welcome. Send me interesting porn links.

There's just so much more to lampoon here. My only qualm is your Attention deficit disorder (compounded by my staunch refusal to use attractive images on this page). So I'm going to stop.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Taking over the world…

Unlike quite a few males my age who grew up watching "Kyunki" soaps (hereby referred to as the "emasculated"), I was weaned on Pinky and the Brain.

This left me with those warm fuzzy feelings and ambitions of world domination and the like. Unfulfilled, but insidious. Like constipation. Only higher.
Just the kind of thing you might want to discuss at a parent teacher meeting before melting the teacher with evil super lasers, btw. But I went to one of those schools not rich enough to afford an MMS caper and therefore, with erratic power supply.
Well, with erratic power supply, anyway.

Even so, I've given taking over the world a lot of thought. It's a relatively simply process if you can find the right underwater layer, slinky women in catsuits to hang at your arm and a really evil last name like Kalmadi.

So here goes… and remember, if someone manages to succeed using this, I want Finland.

  1. Religion
    It helps if you're the only thing in range which can get someone to God. Promise 72 or so virgins and watch as your ratings soar. It helps to get a celebrity endorsement by way of a Messiah. I personally recommend Sofia Lauren. But she's an old hag now. Sigh.

  2. The Death Star
    If you're one of the six people who don't know what this is, my condolences on having a real life. Real easy method too. Just blow up a planet or two. Just make sure you don't hire one of them cheapo contractors. They leave open vents everywhere.

  3. Foundations
    Set two up at the opposite ends of the globe. Watch as millennia of anarchy is prevented when civilization falls because Sonam Kapoor learns to act. And as unlikely as that might seem, it pays to have a backup plan.

  4. Monopoly
    Make something everyone wants and nobody has. And while you're at it, think beyond engineering the perfect woman, you sick perv. I had this idea in mind about something I'd call the iPhone. Apple beat me to it, and truth be told I just don't trust the future of the world in Steve Jobs' hands.

  5. Global Viral Attack
    Last ditch effort. And keep in mind you'll probably be stopped by Captain Vyom. Or some other gay idiot in tights.

So there you go. World domination made real easy. I'm sure there are other ways. Ask George Dubya Bush. But I doubt you'll ever be the head of a nation as gullible. Much less this one. And we're all pretty intelligent people here in the 3rd world.
Finally I raise a toast to the emasculated. Why? Because it didn't seem mocking bird enough to mention them just once. So there. In yer face, you sissy pussies.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Mera Bharat Mahan…

Independence day. Some go as far as to prefix "happy" to it. Deluded idiots.

I'm something of an optimist. I will compliment your cooking. I will find your kids beautiful and I will suppress the epileptic attacks your paintings will give me.
However, this day, I find my cup runneth over.

Are we really independent? Look around. The gora people who ruled us have been replaced by some bhoora people who do the exact same thing. "Exaggeration", you will allege wildly. "Unpatriotic", some of you will lament. "Political Conspiracy", the rest will blunder. But fear not, vile countrymen… Here's how it is. For the goras that were and the bhooras that are:

  1. Similar modus operandi.
    Claiming it's for our own bleeding good. And then doing whatever the hell it is that they're going to do anyway.

  2. No real choice of government.
    As it was, you either liked the goras or were dragged in open grounds by steroidally enhanced horses. These days, you can vote for whoever you like. (That's either the Congress or the other Racist communal bastards who won't be happy without another dark age). Chances are coalition politics will make a puree of all ideologies and encourage the path of least resistance. Which, incidentally, is point 3.

  3. Corruption.
    Try getting yourself anything you're entitled to be getting without having to pay someone. If you can, please leave your locality in the comments. I'm moving there.
    My history is a little weak, but I do remember all those fucking rajas and ranis allying themselves with the devil just so that they could get their "royal" due. Honor is on sale. If you have the money to buy it, of course.

  4. The people suffer
    That part is self explanatory. Look at how unhappy you are. I would stay here and calm you down, but I have to go encourage the next revolution.
    The government looks the other way when those it needs do whatever the hell it is that they want to. It nigh encourages them as long as the benefit is there.

There you go. 63 years of "independence". Not for the weak of heart.

Monday, August 2, 2010

They simply look better…

You're an ugly little fuck, aren't you? Chances are, your mother was lying when she recklessly blurted out she "could" love your face. And that one would tend to run out of euphemisms in any conversation involving your 'unconventional' good looks and excluding blasphemous profanity.

But if anything, the universe has a profound sense of fairness. I'm sure the powers that be gave you that winning personality and biting sense of humour while screwing you in the posterior in every other department. In that case, why so serious, jack?

Could it be that you may have realized that the world does indeed revolve around the good looking Gigafucks around you? That as and when it comes to the propagation of the species (and all the benefits that entails), the people chosen would most likely be them over you. That too by any jury including not only the average innocent bystander; but also your own mother. (see above)
Let's work with that for now. In fact, break up the mob, put down the Molotovs and the pitchfork, and we'll talk.

Get used to the basic idea that someone better looking than you at your relatively average plane of existence will get the bigger better deal every single time. And those who haven't gotten it yet are looking for it.
Think about all those girlfriends/boyfriends falling into the "one who got away" category.
Lets face it, how many lines do you remember from that beautiful sonnet about her intoxicating wit or his bleeding loyalty? That compared to every interstellar fuck who knows how she walks in beauty like the night.

Perhaps you'll realize the mitigating value of a blinding set of 32 when you understand that you yourself are just as prone to the marketing assault of beauty over substance. Why else would you ask your girlfriend/boyfriend to lose that extra kg? Or go 'awww' over photos of kittens?

You, Quasimodo, are living in some else's world. And you're humping it all wrong.

Oh… and since I know you only look at the pictures…
To put things in perspective, I'd (still) sleep with her.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

You could care less…

I think you're a good person. But then, I also believe in romantic love and the cinematic comeback of Chunkey Pandey. Clearly, I'm an optimist.

However, I also think you're seriously fucked up in the head.
Look in the mirror. You're hurt, badly so. You've entertained thoughts of carpet bombing his/her neighbourhood.
He/She has found someone so wonderful that they're shiny. You're that close to crying. Why?
Maybe it's because of some strange sense of belonging to a relationship that you were "firm-titanium-rod-in-appropriate-orifice"ed out of. Or perhaps it's because you're convinced that the one sided perverted feelings you're having will mean the end of your world should they go unreturned.

While I'm that close to telling you to buy an inflatable partner and spend that rest of your undignified life in windy bliss; I feel I owe you something out of some misbegotten sense of kinship. Something apart from the aforementioned firm titanium rod. So how about this…

Nobody holds more power over you than someone who cares less about the relationship™ you're in. I'm going to hope you're not the idiot you look like and atleast know that you're with such a person. And in case you don't… here's a symptom list for you:

  1. You believe you're a nice person
    You're really far too nice to tell him/her/it when you feel you've been wronged. Historically, God hath made nice people so that the assholes/dicks/bitches at the top of the food chain would have someone to feed off of. I recommend you get rid of your insipid conscience and go kick some cute puppies somewhere. For once, stand up for yourself in your Viagra deprived existence.

  2. You cry
    There are only two real reasons to cry. Onions and Skynet launching nukes. In the absence of such, the third reason is that you hate yourself. As in deeply despise.
    Take a moment to be quiet. And listen.
    Do you hear that? That's the silence of 6 billion people not caring about your idiotic tears. Or the reason behind them.

  3. You _always_ call back first after a fight
    If somehow you're not personally responsible for the financial security of Airtel or can be made to agree with (1) above with a little alcohol, take a MotherFrocking hint and stop doing it.

  4. You like Twilight, Krishi Darshan and/or reruns of Kyunki...
    Self explanatory.

  5. You have no problem expressing your feelings
    I believe the scientific term for a member of your species is "namby pamby". Nobody cares about what you feel. And if you're going about on your merry gay horse telling people about it, I don't think you do either. Go to your neighbourhood pirated software shop and get some self respect, you stud you...

  6. You're willing to forgive considering how he/she must be feeling at such a difficult time
    What are you? Mother Teresa with a hangover? Don't expect an apology and don't wait for one. But persecute with passive-aggressive tactics until you do get one. No point not being mature about this.
    But don't for the love of God be understanding about anything until asked to be. I'd quote Ivan Pavlov and the hungry dog but I know you to be intelligent.
Moral of the story… if you find yourself repeatedly committing these common place errors usually confused with finding happiness in love, please take a closer look at the gigantic hole that used to be your soul. I want you to be happy. More so when you realize that you don't have to be tortured anymore.


Always remember, it’s your fucking fault. It’s your fault that you’re fat, that you’re poor, that you consistently underachieve and that you pick relationships where getting hurt is the norm. And any self help book that’s telling you otherwise is selling lies. It’s your fault that you’re buying those lies, you fuck.

But I won’t blame you totally. You’re not entirely without hope. You hope that things will improve soon and that it’ll stop hurting out of some sense of cosmic fairness, nice fuck that you are. Thing is, the capacity of the human mind to sustain torture consistently befuddles me.
Convincing yourself time and again that somehow things will improve beyond what they are when all you’re doing is the same thing over and over again is tantamount to criminal insanity. Entropy is something that’ll always screw you over. Get that into your pansy little head, (again) you ginormofuck.

Find that hard to palate? How about we make this about the noblest, nicest, warmest and fuzziest reason of all… Vengeance. You do want to drive into your ex’s birthday party in a Maserati with an oversexed Russian model for a twinkie, don’t you? Or gift him/her a laser guided bomb beacon and watch the fun explode as you watch from your sniper scope. Or whatever else turns you on, you sick pervert.

You, O mighty king of the duffers, are the only person in the clusterfuck that is the cosmos who’s ever going to look out for you. Write that down on your forehead in reverse and look into a mirror if it’s too difficult to remember. But do yourself a favour and get a life. It’s worth it, (as always) you enormofuck.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Shiv Sena, milked...

The Shiv Sena and its spinoffs
are the biggest clusterfuck organizations in the history of clusterfuck organizations. This being an illustrious list comprising of Airtel, the Third Reich and the three people who like Twilight.

I believe the classical term used for these asinine impotent jerks is vile hate mongerers. And they hate simply everything. Take your pick... Valentine's Day, the rest of India, the English language, non Marathi lyrics, freedom of speech, Cab drivers who've gotten less than an A- in Marathi grammar, even friggin' pink underwear.

And today, they feel fit to enrage our sympathies against ...yes... 'Milk powder' by spilling thousands of liters of milk on the street. This in a world where there are about a billion people dying of chronic hunger. This in a country where 50% of the population will never see outside the darkness of the poverty line.

It's at times like these that I get sad about the unavailability of shooting squads as well as their gentle application to such situations. India can certainly do with a few fucks less. I request the cosmic powers of indifference to let it be these fucks.

Those suitably outraged for reasons apart from copyright infringement may get their asses here for professionally incompetent reporting.

Or here for Shiv Sena recruitment criteria, and here for the science behind an average Shiv Sena member.