Sunday, August 1, 2010

You could care less…

I think you're a good person. But then, I also believe in romantic love and the cinematic comeback of Chunkey Pandey. Clearly, I'm an optimist.

However, I also think you're seriously fucked up in the head.
Look in the mirror. You're hurt, badly so. You've entertained thoughts of carpet bombing his/her neighbourhood.
He/She has found someone so wonderful that they're shiny. You're that close to crying. Why?
Maybe it's because of some strange sense of belonging to a relationship that you were "firm-titanium-rod-in-appropriate-orifice"ed out of. Or perhaps it's because you're convinced that the one sided perverted feelings you're having will mean the end of your world should they go unreturned.

While I'm that close to telling you to buy an inflatable partner and spend that rest of your undignified life in windy bliss; I feel I owe you something out of some misbegotten sense of kinship. Something apart from the aforementioned firm titanium rod. So how about this…

Nobody holds more power over you than someone who cares less about the relationship™ you're in. I'm going to hope you're not the idiot you look like and atleast know that you're with such a person. And in case you don't… here's a symptom list for you:

  1. You believe you're a nice person
    You're really far too nice to tell him/her/it when you feel you've been wronged. Historically, God hath made nice people so that the assholes/dicks/bitches at the top of the food chain would have someone to feed off of. I recommend you get rid of your insipid conscience and go kick some cute puppies somewhere. For once, stand up for yourself in your Viagra deprived existence.

  2. You cry
    There are only two real reasons to cry. Onions and Skynet launching nukes. In the absence of such, the third reason is that you hate yourself. As in deeply despise.
    Take a moment to be quiet. And listen.
    Do you hear that? That's the silence of 6 billion people not caring about your idiotic tears. Or the reason behind them.

  3. You _always_ call back first after a fight
    If somehow you're not personally responsible for the financial security of Airtel or can be made to agree with (1) above with a little alcohol, take a MotherFrocking hint and stop doing it.

  4. You like Twilight, Krishi Darshan and/or reruns of Kyunki...
    Self explanatory.

  5. You have no problem expressing your feelings
    I believe the scientific term for a member of your species is "namby pamby". Nobody cares about what you feel. And if you're going about on your merry gay horse telling people about it, I don't think you do either. Go to your neighbourhood pirated software shop and get some self respect, you stud you...

  6. You're willing to forgive considering how he/she must be feeling at such a difficult time
    What are you? Mother Teresa with a hangover? Don't expect an apology and don't wait for one. But persecute with passive-aggressive tactics until you do get one. No point not being mature about this.
    But don't for the love of God be understanding about anything until asked to be. I'd quote Ivan Pavlov and the hungry dog but I know you to be intelligent.
Moral of the story… if you find yourself repeatedly committing these common place errors usually confused with finding happiness in love, please take a closer look at the gigantic hole that used to be your soul. I want you to be happy. More so when you realize that you don't have to be tortured anymore.


  1. Of course you want me to be happy. Cares less now about the ex who wouldn't want my breakfast every morning. Saluting the intelligence Master, but please may I choose drowning instead of lightning?

  2. Of course I do. In fact, I'd almost go as far as to recommend you go for stampedes involving large woodland animals. It's just more... painful.
    Also, anyone who doesn't care about the breakfast you made is 'literally' the worst person alive.